How to Unsuccessfully Run a Project
Have you ever felt like the project you're working on is going too smoothly, things are delivering too early, or everyone is getting along too well? Maybe you've felt like your recent meetings are so productive you barely have time to stare off blankly into space anymore. Or maybe you're worried that you'll finish your current project so far ahead of time you'll have to spend some cycles working on infrastructure improvements before the next project kicks off. These tips will make sure communication is at a standstill, work can't get completed, and no one is happy.
Have you ever felt like the project you're working on is going too smoothly, things are delivering too early, or everyone is getting along too well? Maybe you've felt like your recent meetings are so productive you barely have time to stare off blankly into space anymore. Or maybe you're worried that you'll finish your current project so far ahead of time you'll have to spend some cycles working on infrastructure improvements before the next project kicks off. These tips will make sure communication is at a standstill, work can't get completed, and no one is happy.
Every task is your first priority
Why would you work on anything that isn't the most important priority? But there's a lot of stuff to get done, so make everything top priority! Why bother spending time and effort prioritizing tasks when you could jump constantly between every single task and finish none of them? This way you'll always be working on the most important thing, and everyone will know the thing they need done is your highest priority.
Good ideas can only come from the top
Did the intern on your team have a brilliant idea that will save money on your project? Toss that idea right in the trash can. Good ideas an only come from leadership, whether that's the CEO or the team lead on your project. Democratic ideas about leadership and flat hierarchies can make it easier to surface good ideas from any source, and no one wants that.
The purpose of completing a project is to make the people in charge look good. That means ignoring boring things like process improvements or new solutions, and focusing on making sure the ego of whoever is running the project gets boosted at every opportunity.
No one in leadership is responsible for a decision
Even though ideas need to come down from the top, that doesn't mean leaders have any responsibility for them. In fact, if a wrong decision is made, you should do everything you can to blame it on the implementation and not the original concept. Absolutely refuse to take responsibility for any problems that come from your work. After all, it takes a lot of people to finish a project, so it stands to reason someone other than you must have made a mistake somewhere.
In fact, if you can avoid a decision being made altogether, even better. Poll several different leaders, then keep scheduling meetings to discuss all of their ideas. Make sure each meeting has no clear agenda and no concrete output, just a vague idea of "alignment" that you'll probably arrive at eventually, if you can just have one more discussion.
Make your team structure more complicated
Every task should require coordination between multiple teams, ideally teams that don't have anything in common and don't report to the same person. Ownership of parts of the product should be divided at random between seemingly unrelated groups. Every time something needs to be changed or added, the group that needs the change will have to convince every other group to alter their priorities.
In addition to grinding progress to a halt, this has the benefit that any software you manage to actually release will also be a convoluted mess. According to Conway's Law, anything created by an organization will mirror the structure of that org, so by making your organization as complex as possible, you'll also make any software you manage to ship unnecessarily complex and impossible to maintain. A two-for-one win!
People are disposable
Retaining good people costs time and effort. Why bother, when you can just hire new people any time you need to? It doesn't matter that the longer people are on your team, the more institutional knowledge they gain, and the more effective they can be. Treat everyone as a disposable cog in the machine that churns out work. Never get to know people on your team personally or develop a rapport with them. Don't do anything to make people's lives easier or save them time.
Getting work done should be a fight
Not having the right tools for the job is just an excuse for people not working hard enough. Why would you spend tens of dollars a month on a new software tool to fix a problem, when you could spend thousands of dollars in person-hours working around the problem?
Moving on
It shouldn't need to be said, but just so I don't run afoul of Poe's Law, this piece is entirely satire. If you recognize any of these things happening in your current project, it's not too late to fix it! Open and honest communication can solve a lot of problems. And if you're trapped working with someone who seems like they've been taking meeting tips from the Simple Sabotage Field Manual, hopefully this at least helps you laugh through the monotony.
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